How many times have you called yourselves losers? How critical are you with yourself? When was the last time you prioritized your needs? When did you last take some time out to enjoy a favourite hobby?
If your answer is positive to first two questions and negative to the last two of them, then you need a serious lesson on loving yourself. February is celebrated as the month of love. I don’t think there’s a better time to talk about the most essential love in our lives – Self Love.
It’s a concept that’s gathering attention off late. Counselors, social activists, celebrities many are addressing this topic with a novel energy. Self aware individuals are realizing the slots they’re getting reduced into by various kinds of pressure. This discernment helps them to learn how to take the steering of their lives into their own hands. In the film Rani Padmini (Malayalam), Padmini asserts, “appreciation thrown at you for conforming to societal standard expectations are actually a trap, to not evolve, to not find your voice, to not love yourself as much as you deserve to be loved”.
Most often women are the last in line to absorb the topic of self love. In the film How Old Are You (Malayalam), Anupama is a woman who cuts all ties with her friends because she’s ashamed to acquaint them with the present Anupama who is a mother, wife, daughter in law, government employee but not herself. The firecracker girl of college days is now a meek woman afraid and in tune with the polished norms of society. She subconsciously hates herself but doesn’t even have the time to realize this truth. Her plight is similar to that of many women around us and probably you and me. We all go about our busy routine playing the roles in our life to perfection without taking a moment to pause for ourselves. Also there’s the sense of guilt attached to loving yourself – prioritizing one’s needs over that of spouse or children seems ‘wrong’ to most women.
However the guilt pinned to the concept of self-love is now being accepted as a misconception. When you are prioritizing yourself and taking care of your needs there is no space for guilt. It is the most natural thing to do for your well being, to live a fulfilling life. The paradigm shift of locating time to nurture oneself, instead of placing oneself at the end of the to-give-attention list is the lane self love pursues.
That said let’s not confuse it with self obsession or narcissism. It is not synonymous to selfishness or vanity. Self love doesn’t imply to focus on oneself, to the point of exclusion of others and limiting compassion, attention and understanding to one’s own self; it’s far from it. When you fall into an irrevocable love relationship with yourself, you are more likely to have deeper compassion and understanding for others. Arjun of Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (Hindi), believes material wealth is what guarantees happiness. In his chase for it, he ignores everyone and everything in life to the point of being selfish and aloof. His whole life changes when he dives into an adventure sport overlooking his fears; he breaks down in pure bliss. He decides to love himself enough to live in his present, to live for today’s smile. It automatically reflects in his interactions with his peers and external world.
Now what exactly is self love? Dr.Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion research, defines self compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness, concern and support you would show to a good friend. Imagine a friend going through a bad moment; your first impulse will be to comfort. Trying to direct this compassionate mindset towards oneself is the best definition of self love. It’s as simple as to say, be your best friend. Treat your inner voice with an identity of its own. Imagine it as the voice of a friend or loved one.
Accept that you are not perfect, before truly loving yourself. Imperfections are not a crime, and by lending love to yourself, you’re able to deal with your inadequacies without judgement. Self love enables you to equally embrace your weaknesses and strengths. It’s all about accepting yourself. Self love helps you live healthier. A positive interaction with oneself leads to less anxieties, enhanced optimism, better handling of stressful situations and ailments like depression etc. Exactly what Rani in Queen (Hindi), recognize through her journey. She learns to accept herself, to love her own self more than she ever did. It helps her get over one of the depressing phases of her life.
So how do we go about this self love business? It involves a deeper commitment to oneself. And it takes shape through small and large steps of care:
- Finding time for your basic needs is the first go to option in practicing self love. Giving body the rest, exercise and pampering it needs – occasional spa visits, regular fitness activities, proper sleep patterns and ample amount of relaxation revitalize your body physically. Allot time for healthy social interactions that rejuvenate your intellectual, spiritual, emotional and intimate needs.
- Protect yourself from activities and people that can have an adverse effect on your life. Re-plan your life with the right people and right activities which can enhance you.
- Forgive yourself when you make mistakes. As long as you’re able to turn your failures into lessons learnt or make amends there’s no room for harsh judgements and self criticism.
- Make way for your love interests is another important part of being in love with oneself. It needn’t necessarily be individuals, it can be hobbies that gives you happiness but which is often chucked out of life because there’s no time to waste! When Laxmi in Mitr my Friend (English), can’t bear the vacuum in her life created by her busy husband and volatile teen daughter she decides to seek refuge in her passion for carpentry. It gives a new leash to her life.
- Celebrate yourself in every which way possible. You are unique, with your set of quirks, strong and weak points. Celebrate everything about you, be your own favourite like Geet from Jab We Met (Hindi) film asserts.
- Be happy with yourself even on the darkest days. Not every day can be done right, so when you skid, ensure you don’t beat yourself over it. Self love is all about loving yourself in your lows as much as in your highs.
- Enjoy your own company, and then the lonely hours won’t get to you. Take yourself out for a dinner, or go for a trip or spend an evening or watch a movie all by yourself. Do things you do with a friend, with yourself. When you find your best friend within you, there’s not a moment of solitude that awaits you.
- Follow the gut in every matter. Yes there can arise moments when the mind and heart wages a war. But listen to that inner voice.
- When we are talking about listening to the inner voice, another point to be noted is how many times have you told yourself, you’re a loser? When you say things repeatedly, your subconscious registers it overtime. So try and play the game in reverse. Practice self love affirmations to control that inner voice to be less judgmental and more receptive.
It reads in Bible – “Love your neighbour as you love yourself”. So love for the self is considered natural and normal even in religious scriptures. It’s a basic necessity for a healthy existence.
Loving yourself is powerful. That power enables you to see yourself and your life in a new light. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, like Shahrukh Khan repeats in Kal Ho Na Ho, so love yourself today and enjoy the exhilaration it offers.
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